Topic: Comic Relief Vent Thread:

Posted under Off Topic

Kristal Candeo

Member
//Thread open to jokes, memes and puns of all kinds. After all, all work and no play... Blah, blah. Anyway, be stupid and have fun!//


Awww, FUCK ME!!
(That is all.)

//This thread is only meant for comedic value and not to be taken as derogatory or in offense to anyone. This tread is also not to be taken seriously, like, at all.//

Updated by Garrett

Kristal Candeo

Member

TheHuskyK9 said: post #815427

OMG... I don't even know why I laughed at that Pic. There wasn't even context and it was still funny.

Though, I guess I've got to hand it to ya, kid. When you're in a thread, I never [font face="Comic Sans MS"]"HAVE A BAD TIME!" [/font]

Updated by anonymous

Lekkiyo

Member

Kristal_Candeo said:
Said pretty much every funny person ever.

One time I made a joke on Facebook, and three of my friends "Liked" it.
There's no way they were all out of pity!

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Mutisija said:
whats the point of this thread? i dont get it

Oh wow, a rainbow text line.

Oooh ooh, now make it a double rainbow text line!

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

aurel said:
I dont fucking know, but this is not fucking important! All threads get derailed all the same!

*pokes*
yup, its derailed alright.
I guess I should rail it, so I could derail it.

Whats the most bullshit topic I could pull out of my ass? hmm asssss :p

I wanna build a dildo :D but I don't know how ;_; blerh! ima lern!
Could I get some rubber dispenser cartridges or maybe silicone cartridge from a construction store (100% ones, not those with added chems) and build from that?
Heck, chemically inert stuff, sounds safe to put in the butt? :/

*Clicks link*

Yrkxktuorx,jgcutc ghcut jhvptuygjc....

Sorry, I think I just had a stroke. All I remember is looking a some text on my screen anutcryhkvtckh givvyivyivgvigvtc jkjk hkvtuckhgjkb hcugvjryrydtuvlkb

Ow, my head. where am I? Ouch, hold on. Gotta get some pain killers...

(OMG, WTF)

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Mutisija said:
whats the point of this thread? i dont get it

Also, sorry I forgot to add the disclaimer that reads "please do ALL THE DRUGS before clicking this tread"

Sorry that's my bad.

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

A Mexican magician said that he'd disappear on the count of three.
So he says, "uno, dos,..." *POOF*
He disappeared without a tres.

Updated by anonymous

Furrin Gok

Member

Kristal_Candeo said:
Nothing, so far.

But, if this thread get's too out of hand, someone might end up hurting their "Funny" Bone.

I dunno, I'm philanges-t fine here.

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

Woman: Doctor! My son swallowed twenty dollars! What do I do!

Doctor: Wait for change.

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

I was gonna make a joke about a broken pencil, then I remembered, it's pointless.

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

I am so tired right now that I feel weird. Like, it feels like I'm on drugs or something. I should have gone to bed six hours ago.

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

aurel said:
No, that text actually rainbow

What do you mean by that? I'm really confused, ha ha.

Updated by anonymous

Chameloshi

Member

It'll be a sad day in America when Right Said Fred becomes just sexy enough for his shirt.

Shit hit the fan when Batman accidentally'd the Coca-Cola bottle.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Chame34 said:
It'll be a sad day in America when Right Said Fred becomes just sexy enough for his shirt.

Shit hit the fan when Batman accidentally'd the Coca-Cola bottle.

...
How dost thou even?

Updated by anonymous

Furrin Gok

Member

Kristal_Candeo said:
...
How dost thou even?

I agree. In order to be funny, you have to make a degree of sense, which that second line has none of.
As for the first line... There's nothing funny about a person losing their sexiness o_o

Updated by anonymous

FlyVyper

Member

Furrin_Gok said:
I agree. In order to be funny, you have to make a degree of sense, which that second line has none of.
As for the first line... There's nothing funny about a person losing their sexiness o_o

yeah, i was really confused on that one. i thought it was a reference i didn't get at first

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

A duck goes to the store and asks for grapes. The guy says he has none, so the duck leaves.
The duck comes again the next day and asks for grapes. Again, the guy says no, so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes yet again and asks for grapes. The guy tells the duck that he has no grape and if the duck comes back tomorrow he'll staple its feet to the floor, so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes and asks if the guy has any staples. The guy says no, so the duck asks for grapes.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Garrett said:
A duck goes to the store and asks for grapes. The guy says he has none, so the duck leaves.
The duck comes again the next day and asks for grapes. Again, the guy says no, so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes yet again and asks for grapes. The guy tells the duck that he has no grape and if the duck comes back tomorrow he'll staple its feet to the floor, so the duck leaves.
The next day the duck comes and asks if the guy has any staples. The guy says no, so the duck asks for grapes.

I would've lul'd more than I should have, but I lost my voice yesterday.

Bravo!

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

Kristal_Candeo said:
I would've lul'd more than I should have, but I lost my voice yesterday.

Bravo!

Thanks, I had another one about amnesia, but I forgot.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

Garrett said:
Thanks, I had another one about amnesia, but I forgot.

*SMH*
*pretends I'm not actively holding back laughter.*

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

I beat Dark Souls for the first time yesterday. I found the main boss to be easy. Hahahaha. That's not funny.

Updated by anonymous

Imaderule34

Member

I can only be funny when other people don't won't me to be. :(

Updated by anonymous

Aster Viridian

Member

I have a hilarious confession. Until yesterday, when I got my new smartphone, I spent almost the entirety of the last three weeks of activity on this site on a Wii. No joke. It's not too bad either, cause E6 can run on just about anything (thank goodness). So yeah, I've been pointing and clicking at my porn with a Wii remote. -___-

Updated by anonymous

Furrin Gok

Member

Aeruginis said:
I have a hilarious confession. Until yesterday, when I got my new smartphone, I spent almost the entirety of the last three weeks of activity on this site on a Wii. No joke. It's not too bad either, cause E6 can run on just about anything (thank goodness). So yeah, I've been pointing and clicking at my porn with a Wii remote. -___-

Wii in both hands, eh? ( อกยฐ อœส– อกยฐ)

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

Aeruginis said:
I have a hilarious confession. Until yesterday, when I got my new smartphone, I spent almost the entirety of the last three weeks of activity on this site on a Wii. No joke. It's not too bad either, cause E6 can run on just about anything (thank goodness). So yeah, I've been pointing and clicking at my porn with a Wii remote. -___-

I came here for about three years on 3DS and Wii U. Didn't get a smartphone a little over a year ago.

Updated by anonymous

N08L3553-5UPPL1C3

Member

Garrett said:
I beat Dark Souls for the first time yesterday. I found the main boss to be easy. Hahahaha. That's not funny.

You know, I heard someone beat Dark Souls... with a Guitar controller.

Updated by anonymous

furballs dc

Member

Something I found on pastebin.

http://pastebin.com/K8et1YC3

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Roy. Roy had a sharp knife he rarely used. When he did, his freezer usually got fresh meat and ended up filled. His freezer broke one fateful day, and flies started flying into his fresh meat. The flies turned out to be mutant exploding flies, and his freezer exploded. Roy called the mechanic to get the freezer fixed because he really liked stocking the freezer with ice cream, too.

Hours later, the mechanic arrived...but he was not what anyone would expect a mechanic to look nor be like. His mechanic was actually a man eating potato who attempted to burn him at the stake. Roy was terrified, yet oddly hungry at the same time as he whipped out a questionable looking flamethrower, pointing at the man-eating potato. Unfortunately for Roy, he had left his flamethrower fuel in his freezer, for reasons he couldn't quite remember. Panicking, he picked up what looked to be miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts--gifts from his friend Terry--as he began tossing them at the man-eating potato. Amazingly enough, the potato was allergic to the adorable miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts and he broke out in hives, but he was still able to throw a mighty punch at Roy.

Satisfied, Roy used the moment of weakness to run to his freezer, not realizing that it had exploded as the mutant flies had swarmed at him and missed...accidentally flying at the man-eating potato and exploding. The potato was thoroughly mashed by the flies and fell to the floor dead, but the freezer was still broken. "And that was why I couldn't turn in my homework today." Roy explained to his teacher as the scene flashed back to him sitting in his desk in the classroom.

The teacher began to speak, but, suddenly, a gunman armed with a Nerf rifle ran into the classroom and began firing wildly. Fortunately, all teachers in his school were trained and armed with AK-47's and the assailant was quickly dealt with. The teacher was then arrested for manslaughter, as the gunman was not armed with any lethal weaponry. Roy, being the only witness, was called to testify at court.

Unfortunately, the courtroom that Roy was called into was about vehicular homicide and was called as part of the jury. Despite Roy being only 10, he was forced to hear about the horrific crime in which 5 baby ducks were murdered in cold blood. For his reward, he was given an AK-47 toy that shot chocolate bon bons. The bon bons however, gave him terrible indigestion and he was taken to the hospital. Poor Roy's luck seemed to continue to go downhill once he discovered that it was a CLOWN hospital...something he was terrified of. Fortunately, the Clown Hospital was only its name, and when he entered, he saw no clowns. Unfortunately, Clown Hospital was an ironic name and the staff were demon-possesed psychotics.

As he walked in, he saw sets of hungry, murderous eyes staring at him, as he stayed close to his mother the entire time. As he turned toward his mother for reassurement, he realized that SHE was also a demon-possessed psychotic! Fortunately for Roy, he was also a demon-possessed psychotic, and was part of the Cult of the Holy Clowntato.

As his conscious self began to become aware of the nonsense of the events that had happened to him that day, Roy suddenly woke up and sat up straight in his bed, sweating over that terrible nightmare. At least that is what Roy believed, in reality this itself was a dream. Not satisfied with the Inception-esque events that had transpired, he began to stuff Popsicles into his shirt. Unfortunately for Roy, it was one of the hottest days in history...causing the Popsicles to melt in his shirt. The Popsicles fused into his skin and made him into Popsicle-man, the hero nobody wanted nor needed.

Brandishing a lavish cape, Roy ran away from home after pelting his mother with Popsicles that he could now shoot at will. On his journey away from home, shooting Popsicles all the while, he accidentally hit Garrett, the neighborhood police officer. Enraged, Garrett began yelling and cursing at Roy. Roy, being only 10, began to cry for his mom...forgetting that he had knocked her unconscious after pelting her with Popsicles. He then realized that he was confusing reality with the dream and that he was in fact an adult. But alas, it was to late as Garrett was a dirty cop and began to beat him with his baton, breaking his legs. And his arms. And all fourteen of his noses.

Roy was getting annoyed as he woke up yet again, this time in a bed surrounded by twenty hookers. This was because he too was a hooker and they all lived together in the hooker house. Suddenly, a man rode in the room on a horse, shouting, "The Redcoats are coming!" Roy barely had enough time to get dressed as a group of clowns wearing red coats burst into the room, looking murderous.

Meanwhile Republic forces arrived out of hyperspace, and began attacking the Separatist fleet that was in orbit over Luna. A few missiles accidentally fell onto Earth's surface, killing millions. Russia began launching nukes in response to the Republic's arrival. I must be playing too many Empire at War mods, thought Roy as he began fighting the clowns, trying to hide his fear by daydreaming. Little did Roy know a Russian nuke was inadvertently going to hit his house and get America involved in the war. Fortunately, due to the sudden influx of Star Wars, SDI actually worked and deflected the Russian nuke, keeping the rest of the space battle firmly within Roy's imagination.

Outside of all of the chaos within his imagination, Roy had a secret desire in life. It was in fact something very embarrassing. Roy wanted to be like his idol, Kurt Cobain, so much that he bought himself a shotgun. The shotgun was however imaginary, just like everything else in this dream. However, he did buy an AK-47; at least that was real. He used the AK-47 to do good in the world, like ploughing a farm or feeding starving people popsicles. He delivered the popsicles at lethal velocity from the AK47.

Updated by anonymous

Kristal Candeo

Member

furballs_dc said:

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Roy. Roy had a sharp knife he rarely used. When he did, his freezer usually got fresh meat and ended up filled. His freezer broke one fateful day, and flies started flying into his fresh meat. The flies turned out to be mutant exploding flies, and his freezer exploded. Roy called the mechanic to get the freezer fixed because he really liked stocking the freezer with ice cream, too.

Hours later, the mechanic arrived...but he was not what anyone would expect a mechanic to look nor be like. His mechanic was actually a man eating potato who attempted to burn him at the stake. Roy was terrified, yet oddly hungry at the same time as he whipped out a questionable looking flamethrower, pointing at the man-eating potato. Unfortunately for Roy, he had left his flamethrower fuel in his freezer, for reasons he couldn't quite remember. Panicking, he picked up what looked to be miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts--gifts from his friend Terry--as he began tossing them at the man-eating potato. Amazingly enough, the potato was allergic to the adorable miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts and he broke out in hives, but he was still able to throw a mighty punch at Roy.

Satisfied, Roy used the moment of weakness to run to his freezer, not realizing that it had exploded as the mutant flies had swarmed at him and missed...accidentally flying at the man-eating potato and exploding. The potato was thoroughly mashed by the flies and fell to the floor dead, but the freezer was still broken. "And that was why I couldn't turn in my homework today." Roy explained to his teacher as the scene flashed back to him sitting in his desk in the classroom.

The teacher began to speak, but, suddenly, a gunman armed with a Nerf rifle ran into the classroom and began firing wildly. Fortunately, all teachers in his school were trained and armed with AK-47's and the assailant was quickly dealt with. The teacher was then arrested for manslaughter, as the gunman was not armed with any lethal weaponry. Roy, being the only witness, was called to testify at court.

Unfortunately, the courtroom that Roy was called into was about vehicular homicide and was called as part of the jury. Despite Roy being only 10, he was forced to hear about the horrific crime in which 5 baby ducks were murdered in cold blood. For his reward, he was given an AK-47 toy that shot chocolate bon bons. The bon bons however, gave him terrible indigestion and he was taken to the hospital. Poor Roy's luck seemed to continue to go downhill once he discovered that it was a CLOWN hospital...something he was terrified of. Fortunately, the Clown Hospital was only its name, and when he entered, he saw no clowns. Unfortunately, Clown Hospital was an ironic name and the staff were demon-possesed psychotics.

As he walked in, he saw sets of hungry, murderous eyes staring at him, as he stayed close to his mother the entire time. As he turned toward his mother for reassurement, he realized that SHE was also a demon-possessed psychotic! Fortunately for Roy, he was also a demon-possessed psychotic, and was part of the Cult of the Holy Clowntato.

As his conscious self began to become aware of the nonsense of the events that had happened to him that day, Roy suddenly woke up and sat up straight in his bed, sweating over that terrible nightmare. At least that is what Roy believed, in reality this itself was a dream. Not satisfied with the Inception-esque events that had transpired, he began to stuff Popsicles into his shirt. Unfortunately for Roy, it was one of the hottest days in history...causing the Popsicles to melt in his shirt. The Popsicles fused into his skin and made him into Popsicle-man, the hero nobody wanted nor needed.

Brandishing a lavish cape, Roy ran away from home after pelting his mother with Popsicles that he could now shoot at will. On his journey away from home, shooting Popsicles all the while, he accidentally hit Garrett, the neighborhood police officer. Enraged, Garrett began yelling and cursing at Roy. Roy, being only 10, began to cry for his mom...forgetting that he had knocked her unconscious after pelting her with Popsicles. He then realized that he was confusing reality with the dream and that he was in fact an adult. But alas, it was to late as Garrett was a dirty cop and began to beat him with his baton, breaking his legs. And his arms. And all fourteen of his noses.

Roy was getting annoyed as he woke up yet again, this time in a bed surrounded by twenty hookers. This was because he too was a hooker and they all lived together in the hooker house. Suddenly, a man rode in the room on a horse, shouting, "The Redcoats are coming!" Roy barely had enough time to get dressed as a group of clowns wearing red coats burst into the room, looking murderous.

Meanwhile Republic forces arrived out of hyperspace, and began attacking the Separatist fleet that was in orbit over Luna. A few missiles accidentally fell onto Earth's surface, killing millions. Russia began launching nukes in response to the Republic's arrival. I must be playing too many Empire at War mods, thought Roy as he began fighting the clowns, trying to hide his fear by daydreaming. Little did Roy know a Russian nuke was inadvertently going to hit his house and get America involved in the war. Fortunately, due to the sudden influx of Star Wars, SDI actually worked and deflected the Russian nuke, keeping the rest of the space battle firmly within Roy's imagination.

Outside of all of the chaos within his imagination, Roy had a secret desire in life. It was in fact something very embarrassing. Roy wanted to be like his idol, Kurt Cobain, so much that he bought himself a shotgun. The shotgun was however imaginary, just like everything else in this dream. However, he did buy an AK-47; at least that was real. He used the AK-47 to do good in the world, like ploughing a farm or feeding starving people popsicles. He delivered the popsicles at lethal velocity from the AK47.

2 questions:

What?
and
The Fuck?

Updated by anonymous

Phylax

Member

oooohhhhhhhhhhh fuck seeing Raul Castro hold up Obama's hand to go spontaneously limpwrist is the most awkward thing I have ever seen

WHY
WOULD
YOU
DO THAT

Updated by anonymous

Aster Viridian

Member

furballs_dc said:
Something I found on pastebin.

http://pastebin.com/K8et1YC3

Once upon a time, there lived a man named Roy. Roy had a sharp knife he rarely used. When he did, his freezer usually got fresh meat and ended up filled. His freezer broke one fateful day, and flies started flying into his fresh meat. The flies turned out to be mutant exploding flies, and his freezer exploded. Roy called the mechanic to get the freezer fixed because he really liked stocking the freezer with ice cream, too.

Hours later, the mechanic arrived...but he was not what anyone would expect a mechanic to look nor be like. His mechanic was actually a man eating potato who attempted to burn him at the stake. Roy was terrified, yet oddly hungry at the same time as he whipped out a questionable looking flamethrower, pointing at the man-eating potato. Unfortunately for Roy, he had left his flamethrower fuel in his freezer, for reasons he couldn't quite remember. Panicking, he picked up what looked to be miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts--gifts from his friend Terry--as he began tossing them at the man-eating potato. Amazingly enough, the potato was allergic to the adorable miniature ducks in Hawaiian shirts and he broke out in hives, but he was still able to throw a mighty punch at Roy.

Satisfied, Roy used the moment of weakness to run to his freezer, not realizing that it had exploded as the mutant flies had swarmed at him and missed...accidentally flying at the man-eating potato and exploding. The potato was thoroughly mashed by the flies and fell to the floor dead, but the freezer was still broken. "And that was why I couldn't turn in my homework today." Roy explained to his teacher as the scene flashed back to him sitting in his desk in the classroom.

The teacher began to speak, but, suddenly, a gunman armed with a Nerf rifle ran into the classroom and began firing wildly. Fortunately, all teachers in his school were trained and armed with AK-47's and the assailant was quickly dealt with. The teacher was then arrested for manslaughter, as the gunman was not armed with any lethal weaponry. Roy, being the only witness, was called to testify at court.

Unfortunately, the courtroom that Roy was called into was about vehicular homicide and was called as part of the jury. Despite Roy being only 10, he was forced to hear about the horrific crime in which 5 baby ducks were murdered in cold blood. For his reward, he was given an AK-47 toy that shot chocolate bon bons. The bon bons however, gave him terrible indigestion and he was taken to the hospital. Poor Roy's luck seemed to continue to go downhill once he discovered that it was a CLOWN hospital...something he was terrified of. Fortunately, the Clown Hospital was only its name, and when he entered, he saw no clowns. Unfortunately, Clown Hospital was an ironic name and the staff were demon-possesed psychotics.

As he walked in, he saw sets of hungry, murderous eyes staring at him, as he stayed close to his mother the entire time. As he turned toward his mother for reassurement, he realized that SHE was also a demon-possessed psychotic! Fortunately for Roy, he was also a demon-possessed psychotic, and was part of the Cult of the Holy Clowntato.

As his conscious self began to become aware of the nonsense of the events that had happened to him that day, Roy suddenly woke up and sat up straight in his bed, sweating over that terrible nightmare. At least that is what Roy believed, in reality this itself was a dream. Not satisfied with the Inception-esque events that had transpired, he began to stuff Popsicles into his shirt. Unfortunately for Roy, it was one of the hottest days in history...causing the Popsicles to melt in his shirt. The Popsicles fused into his skin and made him into Popsicle-man, the hero nobody wanted nor needed.

Brandishing a lavish cape, Roy ran away from home after pelting his mother with Popsicles that he could now shoot at will. On his journey away from home, shooting Popsicles all the while, he accidentally hit Garrett, the neighborhood police officer. Enraged, Garrett began yelling and cursing at Roy. Roy, being only 10, began to cry for his mom...forgetting that he had knocked her unconscious after pelting her with Popsicles. He then realized that he was confusing reality with the dream and that he was in fact an adult. But alas, it was to late as Garrett was a dirty cop and began to beat him with his baton, breaking his legs. And his arms. And all fourteen of his noses.

Roy was getting annoyed as he woke up yet again, this time in a bed surrounded by twenty hookers. This was because he too was a hooker and they all lived together in the hooker house. Suddenly, a man rode in the room on a horse, shouting, "The Redcoats are coming!" Roy barely had enough time to get dressed as a group of clowns wearing red coats burst into the room, looking murderous.

Meanwhile Republic forces arrived out of hyperspace, and began attacking the Separatist fleet that was in orbit over Luna. A few missiles accidentally fell onto Earth's surface, killing millions. Russia began launching nukes in response to the Republic's arrival. I must be playing too many Empire at War mods, thought Roy as he began fighting the clowns, trying to hide his fear by daydreaming. Little did Roy know a Russian nuke was inadvertently going to hit his house and get America involved in the war. Fortunately, due to the sudden influx of Star Wars, SDI actually worked and deflected the Russian nuke, keeping the rest of the space battle firmly within Roy's imagination.

Outside of all of the chaos within his imagination, Roy had a secret desire in life. It was in fact something very embarrassing. Roy wanted to be like his idol, Kurt Cobain, so much that he bought himself a shotgun. The shotgun was however imaginary, just like everything else in this dream. However, he did buy an AK-47; at least that was real. He used the AK-47 to do good in the world, like ploughing a farm or feeding starving people popsicles. He delivered the popsicles at lethal velocity from the AK47.

Beautiful. Just beautiful.

Updated by anonymous

Furrin Gok

Member

furballs_dc said:
http://imgur.com/gallery/4s9ye

Okay that drunk white girls one actually made me laugh. Then you got that coke one which is just sad... This is why people need to stop making up names, man, and stick to what exists. Thank you cocacola!
Little further down, butthurt varients, TUSHYTANTRUM.
Person crying in their car being told it's gonna be okay is actually just touching, not funny, but I don't get The Revenant (Christopher Rhbin and Whinney The Pooh) at all.

Updated by anonymous

Garrett

Member

N08L3553-5UPPL1C3 said:
You know, I heard someone beat Dark Souls... with a Guitar controller.

I saw that. I couldn't do that.
You know what I did do? I beat Dark Souls 3 an hour ago. Yep

Updated by anonymous